Glad You Asked: Stump a Geologist

By Mark Milligan
Illustrations By Liz Paton

Questions and other inquiries we have NOT been able to answer!

“Where can I get DNA testing done for my bleeding rocks?”

“Do you have a map to the Lost Rhodes gold mine?” ( The Lost Rhodes gold mine is a mythical Spanish gold mine allegedly located somewhere in the Uinta Mountains.)

Asked while holding a quartz crystal, “Is this a happy crystal?”

“Can you help me? I was told that your Outreach Program will reimburse me for the landslide damage to my house….”

“My horse found a gold nugget but now I can’t find the location. Is it possible the Green River has moved its course several miles in the last decade?”

“I heard we are going to have an earthquake…. Can you tell me which direction the earthquake waves will travel so that I can bolt my bookshelves the correct way?”

“As many as 13 black helicopters land, become bright, and then fly away…. They have stolen most of a 350-foot cliff called the Lace Curtain (a black basalt volcanic feature)…. What would be the best way of stopping them?”

“I was walking in the desert and I found a rock. It was alone with no other rocks nearby. Can you confirm that it is a meteorite?”

“Is this a Smithsonian-quality specimen?” (Asked about 10 different rocks.)

“I am looking for some very, very remote land…. I want it so remote that I will have to walk for three days to get to it. Will you please send me the information I need? The gentleman in Washington told me that the states would have this information….”

“What two states have capital cities that have never reached 100ºF?” (geology/ geography?)

“I found a carving from Spanish explorers (who were in Utah over 200 years ago) on an aspen tree (individual trunks have an average lifespan of less than 100 years)…. Can you help me find the Lost Rhodes gold mine?”

“I’m doing a recon of a colony of Sasquatch living southeast of Duchesne. Do you have a map of the area?”

“I was talking to this guy the other day…. He said that everyone knows that the whole Salt Lake Valley sits above a large cavern and that downtown is going to fall about a quarter mile during an earthquake. When I heard this I just laughed. Then, the next day I was reading some stuff on the Internet about very large caverns, occupied by colonies of lizard people, that extend deep beneath the Western Rock ies as well as be – neath the Bonneville basin…. Can you give me more information?”

“Are you aware of a submarine village under the Great Salt Lake? It belongs to a fine American family that shares it with hundreds of other Utahns….”

“Can you help me research my family history?” (geology/ genealogy?)

Regarding the rubber “alien” kept in a jar in our Map and Bookstore, “Is it real?” (A cute question from a 4-yearold. A peculiar question from an adult.)

“I found Confederate gold bars in the west desert…. Can I keep them?”

“I was digging a hole in my backyard in West Valley when I found a dinosaur head with an eyeball…. What should I do with it?”

“Do you have a map showing every house in Salt Lake Valley?”

“I found a petrified dinosaur heart…. Will you please come to my press conference and verify its authenticity….”

“I know my house is on a landslide…. But if the landslide moves will it damage my house?”

“I have been quarrying Cambrian-age quartzite dinosaurs…. Can you verify the authenticity of my many astounding discoveries?”

“Guys in black suits ran me off of Lightning Ridge near Soapstone Basin. Is it a secret military installation?”

“I am very happy to declare that there is an exact relationship between launching of satellites and natural disasters like volcanic eruptions, earthquakes, El Niños, and hurricanes…. Would you like to know more? I am very excited and happy to discuss this data with you because our southern region is in danger of earthquakes after launching from Cape Canaveral….”

We strive to answer all questions and truly believe there is no such thing as a stupid question. We treat all inquirers with dignity and respect. Even inquiries that leave us scratching our heads get us thinking outside the box and brighten our workdays.

Survey Notes, v. 38 no. 3, September 2006